What Your Sexual Fantasies Could Say About You, According To A Sex Researcher

Everyone has different tastes, but what do they say about you? ADragan on Shutterstock

  • Justin Lehmiller is a sex researcher who did the largest-ever survey of Americans' sexual fantasies for his book "Tell Me What You Want."

  • Though there's no one reason a person may have a sexual fantasy, Lehmiller found that people's fantasies are often linked to their emotional needs.

  • Someone who fantasizes about a threesome with their partner may crave attention, while someone who envisions a threesome with two strangers could want adventure. 

  • Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.

 

If you've ever daydreamed about having a threesome, meeting a sexy stranger who handcuffs you to your bed, or having your partner trash-talk you during sex, you're not alone.

Justin Lehmiller, a sex researcher at The Kinsey Institute, surveyed 4,175 Americans about their favorite sexual fantasies for his book "Tell Me What You Want," and told Insider what his findings could mean.

According to Lehmiller, it's impossible to make blanket statements about the underlying motivations for a particular fantasy because two people could have that same fantasy for completely different reasons.

"Our fantasies are very complex and the degree of emphasis and focus on sex differs from one person to another, because what we find erotically appealing, or what turns us on, is so incredibly different from one person to the next," Lehmiller told Insider.


But his research also showed common themes in the reasons why people fantasize, and that emotional needs are often linked to what a person finds sexy.

 

If you fantasize about romance and passion, you could have a fear of abandonment

Emotional needs can manifest in a fantasy that's extremely romantic or passionate.

Lehmiller said people who fear abandonment and may deal with attachment anxiety, "are more likely to have romantic and passionate imagery in their fantasies because they're trying to calm that sense of insecurity that they have."

In daydreaming about another person consuming them with passion and love, they can relax and focus on sexual pleasure, according to Lehmiller.


If you daydream about having a threesome with your partner, you may crave attention

During his research, Lehmiller found threesomes were one of the most common fantasies his survey respondents had.

When people dream of a threesome with their partner and one other person, it could be because they want all of the attention on them, according to Lehmiller.

If someone fantasizes about a threesome where they're "entering another couple's relationship," the person with the fantasy may crave adventure, rather than attention.

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