The "Big Nose Big Hose" Hypothesis Is True, According To Study On Corpses

The size of your 'up there' nose corresponds to your 'down there' nose. Kyoto Prefectural University of Medicine/Basic and Clinical Andrology (CC by 4.0)

A team of scientists has studied the noses and genitals of recently deceased corpses to determine if the "big nose big hose" hypothesis is true. It's good news, large-nosed brethren, for the forensic scientists found that the larger the honker the, uh, larger your "down there" honker.

The researchers looked at one hundred twenty-six male corpses for their study, all forensic autopsy cases at Kyoto Prefectural University of Medicine from April 2015 to March 2019. All cadavers were aged between 30 and 50 years old, and their postmortem conducted within 3 days of their death before any major decomposition could take place.

For the study, published in Basic and Clinical Andrology, the team took measurements of the bodies' heights, weight, length, and girth of their flaccid penis and the weight of their testicles. Of course, it's not really possible to induce an erection in a corpse, so instead "stretched penile length" was used, whereby a researcher stretched the penises manually, which the researchers say gives an accurate measurement of what their erect length would have been when alive.

A much luckier researcher, meanwhile, measured the lengths of their flaccid nose.

The team found that the most highly correlated factors were flaccid penile length and stretched penile length. No surprises there. However, the next biggest correlation was between nose size and stretched penile length. The bigger your nose, the larger the "erect" penis.

The biggest correlation, bar flaccid length to erect length, was nose size to erect penis length. Image credit: Kyoto Prefectural University of Medicine/Basic and Clinical Andrology (CC by 4.0)

The size of your nose was not found to be strongly correlated to flaccid penis length, which the team attributes to "the elasticity of a small, flaccid penis may be greater than that of a large, flaccid penis".

"The fact that nose size is related to [stretched penis length] indicates that penile length may not be determined by age, height or body weight but has already been determined before birth."

So, how does this help forensics? Well, not at all, really. Had the team found that e.g. penis length changed as you grew older, this could be used along with prostate-volume (which does increase as you get older) in order to help determine age. As it is, what they discovered is interesting and could become useful with more research, but as it stands is not immediately applicable.

"Although our results are useless for forensic purposes, understanding the growing process of the penis or facial features may be very important for extrapolating fetal androgen levels and following male genital functions," the team wrote in their paper, adding they would continue to look into the relationship.

"This study is the first to demonstrate the relationship between SPL and nose size but is limited in Japanese male cadavers, and the reason why SPL and nose size are related is still unclear. Therefore, we consider it an interesting subject to pursue from now on."

The team found only a weak correlation between nose size and the weight of your balls. 

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