Doctors Warn Men Not To Masturbate With Banana Peels, And Men Are Not Happy

Banana penis stock images, this is your lucky day. andrey_l/Shutterstock

Every few months, doctors warn people not to put their genitals in things/put things up their genitals just because a trend has started circulating online.

On the women's side, the list of things not to do include the cucumber cleanse (do yourself a favor and don't click), the garlic vagina trend (see previous advice) and – oh god – putting wasps nests up there. On the men's side, casualties have included inserting metal balls up a penis and (Jesus Christ, men) tweezers that remained in place for four years.

This month alone has seen men dipping their balls in soy sauce in the (obviously very mistaken) belief that they would be able to taste the condiment with their testicles.

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Well, now we've learned that men have been masturbating with banana peels and it has to stop. This is the line.

"In order for you to understand my situation, allow me to take you back to yesterday, where I, a young boy filled with hormones and hope, began to get creative," one teenager described in a post on Reddit. "After years of jerking it using the same old handy-dandy method, one grows bored and begins to seek ways to broaden their horizons."

He hit the Internet and began "researching" new methods, whereupon he stumbled across the banana technique. It turns out it's a lot more common than you'd like in certain Internet circles. We're hoping you can picture what it involves without us having to describe the act in detail.

"In my kitchen, I cut the tip off of the banana, wrapped it in tape to prevent it from breaking, and squeezed the innards out. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, my hollow banana and I went to the bathroom to do the deed, " he continued.

"If only I could have foreseen the upcoming events. Perhaps then I could have spared myself the pain and humiliation."

Yes, folks, this Reddit post is actually a warning to others not to make the same "mistake" he did. 

The teen discovered that bananas were a little, erm, juicier than he anticipated, and he ended up slipping on the grotesque mess in his bathroom and injuring his head. Thankfully it didn't knock him out, leaving him to explain to whoever rescued him what the hell had happened.

However, since this post has gained in popularity, doctors have since issued warnings that using banana peels for self pleasure is (surprise!) not a good idea.

"Apart from being unhygienic and leading to sores and infection, there is a risk of allergy, which could lead to a kind of swelling you probably don't want," doctor, writer, and science communicator Dr Benjamin Janaway told IFLScience.

"Aside from that, there are probably better health benefits from bananas," he pointed out. "All in all, would everyone stop making love to fruit."

“A person with a banana allergy is more likely to be allergic to other substances such as latex or other fruits and vegetables," Dr Diana Gill, from Doctor-4-U also warned. "So if you’re allergic to latex condoms you may also be allergic to banana skins.”

So there you go. Don't masturbate with banana peel if you don't want to explain an infection. Now let's check in on how men have taken the news— oh no.

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Goddamnit, men.

 

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