As everyone knows, environmentally friendly paper straws have sent the entire universe into crisis, leaving millions of people traumatized by their slightly reduced capacity to deliver sugary beverages to their face. Across Earth’s oceans, turtles and other marine wildlife are cackling with evil delight at the plight of humans, who are now having to sometimes suck a little harder when drinking.
Fortunately, President Trump is here to rescue us from this tyranny, and is selling packs of 10 plastic straws bearing his heroic name for the absolute bargain price of just 15 American dollars. The message of hope that he offers on his online shop is simple: “Liberal paper straws don’t work.”
So, if you want to really stick it to those liberals and their irrational fear of pollution, a pack of toxic Trump suck-tubes could be the solution you’ve been waiting for. And if you’re worried about the fact that ocean plastic is currently on course to outweigh all fish by 2050, then fear not because, as Trump explained in a recent interview, there are many other plastic items also available for you to pollute with other than straws.
“I do think we have bigger problems than plastic straws,” Trump told reporters. “You have a little straw, but what about the plates, the wrappers, and everything else that are much bigger and they’re made of the same material?”
Everyone knows that two wrongs make a right, which means that as long as we are still producing plastic plates and wrappers, we’d better keep on throwing entirely unnecessary plastic straws into the sea as well.
Trump 2020 campaign manager Brad Parscale has revealed in a tweet that over $200,000 have already been raised through the sale of these straws. And while the items are listed as “reusable and recyclable”, the vast majority of straws of this type never see the inside of a recycling plant, instead ending up in the ocean.
Suck it up, libs.