You may have noticed about a thousand people all over your newsfeeds pleading with you to wash your damn hands, to help fight against the new coronavirus.
The threat of COVID-19 appears to have turned everyone, from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to world leaders, into your mom. Imagine how depressing it must be to have spent decades working your way up the chain of the World Health Organization, only to spend your time – at the pinnacle of your career – telling people "please, for the love of God, just wash your hands after you poop. I'm begging you, you should be doing this anyway it's basic hygiene, you people are acting like you don't want to live."
They're of course nagging you for good reason, as Johns Hopkins professor Karen Flemming has explained in a short (but needed) viral Twitter thread. Washing your damn hands (as well as sneezing into your elbow rather than onto the elderly) is one of the best ways we have right now to stop the spread of the virus.
Yep that's right, soap basically melts the virus's protective home. Do you still think soap is "uncool" now?
If Happy Birthday isn't to your liking, any other replacement song of around 20 seconds will do. There's no reason why you can't wash your hands to the chorus of Let It Go, or just a kickass guitar solo you're playing in your head.
There's also plenty of advice on how to wash your hands more thoroughly, should you need it.
If you're still thinking "Thanks, but I'm not a big fan of washing," take a look at how this guy eats communal soup.
So, protect yourself and others by washing your hands, or you're essentially fighting on the side of the virus. Also, and we can't stress this enough, you should be washing your hands, virus or no virus, good lord people what's wrong with you.