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What’s the shelf life of a fart? Call us crass, but it’s perhaps something worth pondering in light of the news that a reality TV star has been raking in a cool $45,000 a week selling flatulence (Selling Sunset spin-off, anyone?) in a jar.
The entrepreneur in question is 90 Day Fiancé star Stephanie Matto who has been sharing the pungent details of her get-rich-quick scheme in a series of enlightening TikTok videos. Branding herself as a “small business” worthy of support this Christmas, Matto has taken to the Internet to market her Fart In A Jar product line costing an eye-watering $1,000 per parp. Seem hefty? Fear not, there’s a 50 percent off sale on.
For the aspiring jar o’ toots business owner, Matto has been as generous with her “tips and tricks” as she has her gaseous excretions, with her first video on the matter tackling “Day in the life of a girl who sells her farts in a jar!”
“I like to get things rolling with some beans, a protein muffin, sometimes even a yogurt (less sugar is better) some hard-boiled eggs, and today I decided I was going to make myself a protein shake with some yogurt added to it and — ugh — I was feeling it for sure,” Matto explains
“While I wait for those farts to develop, I like to read — I’m very smart, love to read — and then after I’m ready to go ahead and, you know, do my work. Do my job. I don’t need to show you that guys.”
According to Matto, “the smell is most prominent for the first two days, but as I like to say, ‘one whiff makes memories that last a lifetime.’” For the wary consumer, the inclusion of a petal into the fart jars is touted by Matto as scent-extending technology. However, considering a flower's scent comes from the petals where chemical volatiles are stored, it would appear this is where her product falls down.
According to ER doctor and presenter Dr Billy Goldberg, a fart’s fragrance is decided by less than 1 percent of its chemical makeup. The average toot’s roster reads like: 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane, and 4 percent oxygen, and at time of creation clocks a temperature of roughly 37°C (98.6°F).
Petals crank up the smell factor in warm weather when pollinators are most likely to be on the prowl. It’s feasible, then, that direct application of a chemically complex fart at a temperature comparable to a warm summer’s day might not be the best recipe for preserving flatulence in its purest form.
Petal or no, Matto’s product secured 97 buyers in just two days. Clearly the punters aren’t so wrapped up in the science as we are, so how does the market shape up for the producer?
The average person produces around 0.6–1.8 liters of intestinal gas each day, which equates to between 12 and 25 farts in a 24-hour stretch. While an above-average flatulence rate doesn’t necessarily spell bad news if you’ve been purposefully hoofing beans and bowel irritants, 97 in two days is perhaps leaning towards excessive.
It would seem reasonable to conclude that 48.5 farts per day is pushing the realms of acceptability, clinically (and perhaps morally) speaking, and if nothing else surely goes against Matto's own advice for the prospective professional parper: “Don’t push yourself too hard literally and figuratively. Just have fun!”
And just in case, in the time of COVID, you're wondering if farts can transport pathogens — one Australian doctor already did the academic heavy lifting here.
[H/T: BuzzFeed]
