When you're short of ideas for somebody's birthday, this tale of a DNA test gone wrong may just convince you to stick to picking up chocolates and flowers at a gas station – because honestly, anything is better than this.
A 22-year-old Canadian named Matilda has explained the story of when her then-boyfriend bought her a genetic test to help her figure out some of her family history.
"For my birthday last year, my ex got me one of those DNA test kits," she said in a video that has received over 100,000 likes. "My mom is adopted and I never really knew my biological father. So I was mostly interested in the health information, you know, see if there was anything that I needed to look out for."
He got one for himself because they were on sale (some more great boyfriending there), and they sent them off to be analyzed.
"So we got the results back about a month later and I was looking through the genetic relatives because the only person that I know that I'm technically related to is my mom," Matilda continued in her video. "And I was scrolling down and I turned to my boyfriend at the time and I say, 'hey this is pretty nifty, This person has the same name as you'."
"And that's how I found out I was dating my cousin."
The comment section of the TikTok turned into a round of Everybody Confesses To Incest, a game show I just invented that all the networks are too cowardly to commission.
"I'm from NL and me and my husband did 23 and me," one user wrote. "We are distantly related."
For others, things progress beyond marriage to the point where things get genetically quite complicated, as this study on the incest of royal families in Europe will attest.
"My parents found out they were cousins too and well," one person wrote. "They didn't stop dating cause obviously I'm here. Uhhh."
Others made weird discoveries that they were their own sixth cousin. Strange as this sounds, it's possible, given that the various stages of cousins mean you share an ancestor. For instance, the person above would be their own second cousin, as a second cousin is your parent’s cousin’s child, and their parents were first cousins.
Here's a cousin calculator if you're interested, or have just taken a DNA test with results that do not spark joy. Or if you'd like a general explainer of how complicated family trees can get, even without getting very incesty, check out this song and diagram about a man who becomes his own grandpa.
Back to Matilda. They broke up, partly because of other issues and partly because they discovered they were related.
She later discovered that the site thought that they were likely third cousins, as they shared great-great-grandparents.
"I was able to do a bit of research into my biological father's side of the family and I actually found someone that had done a genealogical report back to the 1500s," she added.
"Based on the stuff from that person's research, as well as the percentage of DNA my ex and I shared – which was a little bit too high to be third cousins – I'm pretty sure we are actually second cousins, related through my paternal great grandmother Katerina."
"My ex is a great guy and I still care for him deeply," she added in her final video on the topic. "But yeah..."