Hey, remember when archaeologists found that gigantic black sarcophagus last month in Egypt and everyone said opening it would lead to something terrible?

And then they were right, because it immediately released a wave of requests to drink the disgusting red sewage that was found inside, and literally tens of thousands of people signed a petition demanding to be given "the cursed mummy milkshake", preferably in the form of "some sort of carbonated energy drink".

Well, you may have also heard that the world's oldest cheese was recently excavated in an Egyptian tomb too.

Yeah, you probably know where this is going.

The cheese, described by its discoverers as a "whitish mass", is over 3,200 years old, was found in the Valley of the Dead, and contains bacteria that leaves animals dead and humans just wishing they were – making it not just unappetizing, but so obviously cursed it may as well come with its own copy of the Necronomicon. And yet...

Yes, of course people want to eat the diseased tomb cheese. It's 2018. That's just where humanity is right now, it turns out.

For many people, the ancient cheese's discovery brought back the still-fresh trauma of being denied the precious sarcophagus juice. 

Although others clearly still haven't given up hope that they'll eventually get their hands on that sweet, sweet mummy liqueur – with disease cheese as a devilishly piquant hors d'oeuvre.

 In fact, some people have started planning a whole cursed dinner party.

Others have been wondering what the next course on the demonic menu might be.

Unlike the red sarcophagus liquid, there does not yet appear to be enough interest in eating the cheese to demand a petition. Reasons given for drinking the mummy juice ranged from the spuriously scientific – "The laws of science demand the juice be tested to see what powers it will grant, and to see if it is delicious" – to the existential – "we live in a universe where entropy reigns supreme, we are just fish in the stream of creation, so why shouldn’t I at least get to drink skeleton juice?" – to the practical – "I'm very thirsty" – to the, well, at least honest about the consequences – "I want to die" – and, understandably, there has been interest in whether the original petition creator is going to continue his fight for us* little guys to realize our* destinies via the medium of extremely revolting ancient appetizers. Unfortunately for those who skipped lunch, he's sitting this one out – urging others to take up the cause in his place.

So there you go – if you really want to eat that cheese, folks, you're going to have to put in the hard work yourselves. But at least you have these words of encouragement to spur you on: 

Inspiring.

 

*Please note "us" doesn't actually include, you know, us. The IFLS team will not be eating any disease cheese. No, we're not drinking any mummy juice either. No way.