Guess Who's Now Selling A "Psychic Vampire Repellent"


Dr. Alfredo Carpineti

Senior Staff Writer & Space Correspondent

clockSep 20 2017, 18:14 UTC

Get your bottle soundwaves and reiki while it's fresh. 

Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to go about your day and a psychic vampire starts feeding off your life force? Well, worry no more, Goop has the product for you. For just $30 you can now buy a Psychic Vampire Repellent made by Paper Crane Apothecary.

“A spray-able elixir we can all get behind, this protective mist uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils, reported to banish bad vibes (and shield you from the people who may be causing them). Fans spray generously around their heads to safeguard their auras,” says the detailed description of the product on the site.


Now frankly, as an Italian, I thought I knew all about fighting vampires. We are never too far from garlic, a mirror, or a crucifix. I always assumed that the copious amounts of garlic in my kitchen would protect me against the threat of vampires and it's only now I’m discovering that the secret is to spray myself in a mist of “sonically tuned gem elixirs” (their words not mine). 

If you think my sarcasm is a little unfair, let me list some of the more unusual ingredients in this concoction. There’s aqua aura, sound waves, and even reiki, the massage technique devoted to people "laying hands" on you, which is probably nice and stress-busting, but it does not cure you of ills and diseases, as it dubiously claims. Firstly, I'm not sure how reiki can be listed as an ingredient, and secondly, I sometimes manage to spill tea from the teapot, so I truly admire people who can bottle an entire sound wave.

Obviously, most will know Goop for selling a jade egg that can be inserted into the vagina for some incomprehensible and thoroughly medically debunked "benefits", but it also peddles such items as spacesuit stickers that can “rebalance the energy frequency in our body”. As a physicist, that was a painful sentence to type. For NASA, it warranted a statement refuting it. 


Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow has previously gone after critics who have pointed out all the harmful and non-harmful nonsense that the site peddles. However, recently, an advertising watchdog even filed an official complaint against Goop for the all unsubstantiated and deceptive claims about their products.

So, if you are experiencing an infestation of psychic vampires (or want to ward off vampires psychically, we're still not sure how this works), do let us know because we are thinking of launching a line of foil hats. Obviously, they’ll be Italian couture.