Before we begin, a disclaimer. We are almost certain that this is not a fake news story.
Good. Now that’s out of the way, we can reveal to you that there is a deep, dark, and delicious conspiracy going on in the United States, one so convoluted that it would make the writers behind House of Cards blush. It is a tale of suspicious saccharine silliness and potentially corrupted cattle.
According to various reports, members of the agricultural industry have been caught feeding tonnes of red Skittles to their cows. Why? Well, as ever, it always boils down to the same thing – money.
Last week, hundreds of thousands of red Skittles fell off the back of a truck on a highway in Wisconsin and were subsequently crushed by oncoming, merciless traffic. Upon discovering the splattered sweets, members of the Dodge County Sheriff’s Office decided to investigate.
Although initially finding no suspects when it came to the crimson massacre, they did issue a statement to the press infused with the grim seriousness befitting such a crime.
“While we don't know who did this, it is certainly clear that it may be difficult to ‘Taste the Rainbow’ in its entirety with one color that likely fell off the truck,” Sheriff Dale Schmidt wrote on Facebook.
Although the tiny victims were all found without the white “s” branding on them, Schmidt told local news station WISN that the air smelled rather Skittle-y, permitting their identification.
Shortly afterwards, they managed to track down the original vehicle, a flatbed pickup truck, to a nearby farm. Turns out, the Skittles weren’t making their way to any hungry humans crashing a sugar rush, but to a bunch of cows who were to consume them as part of their diet.